MONK GLOATS OVER YOGA CHAMPIONSHIP

LHASA, TIBET - Employing the brash style that first brought him to
prominence, Sri Dhananjai Bikram won the fifth annual International Yogi
Competition yesterday with a world-record point total of 873. "I am the
serenest!" Bikram shouted to the estimated crowd of 20,000 yoga fans,
vigorously pumping his fists. "No one is serener than Sri Dhananjai
Bikram! I am the greatest monk of all time!" Bikram averaged 1.89 breaths
a minute during the two-hour competition, nearly 0.3 fewer than his nearest
competitor, second-place finisher and two-time champion Sri Salil "The
Hammer" Gupta. The heavily-favored Gupta was upset after the loss. "I
should be able to beat that guy with one lung tied," Gupta said. "I'm
beside myself right now, and I don't mean trans-bodily."

Bikram got off to a fast start at the Lhasa meet, which like most major 
competitions, is a six-event affair. In the first event, he attained total 
consciousness (TC) in just 2 minutes 34 seconds, and set the tone for the
rest of the meet by repeatedly shouting, "I'm blissful! You blissful?! I'm
blissful!" to the other yogis.

Bikram, 33, burst onto the international yoga scene with a gold-mandala 
performance at the 1994 Bhutan Invitational. At that competition he
premiered his aggressive style, at one point in the flexibility event
sticking his middle toes out at the other yogis. While no prohibition
exists against such behavior, according to Yoga League Commissioner Swami
Prabhupada, such behavior is generally considered "unBuddhalike." "I don't
care what the critics say," Bikram said. "Sri Bikram is just gonna go out
there and do Sri Bikram's own yoga thing."

Before the Bhutan meet, Bikram had never placed better than fourth. Many
said he had forsaken rigorous training for the celebrity status accorded
by his Bhutan win, endorsing Nike's new line of prayer mats, and supposedly
dating the Hindu goddess Shakti. But his performance this week will regain
for him the number one computer ranking and earn him new respect, as well
as for his coach Mahananda Vasti, the controversial guru some have called
Bikram's "guru." "My special training diet for Bikram of one super-charged,
carbo-loaded grain of rice per day was essential to his win," Vasti said.
The defeated Gupta denied that Bikram's taunting was a factor in his
inability to attain TC. "I just wasn't myself today," Gupta commented. "I
wasn't any self today. I was an egoless particle of the universal
no-soul."

In the second event, flexibility, Bikram maintained the lead by supporting
himself on his index fingers for the entire 15 minutes while touching the
back of his skull to his lower spine. The feat was matched by Gupta, who
first used the position at the 1990 Tokyo Zen-Off. "That's my meditative
position of spiritual ecstasy, not his," remarked Gupta. "He stole my
thunder." Bikram denied the charge, saying, "Gupta's been talking like
that ever since he was a 3rd century Egyptian slave-owner."

Nevertheless, a strong showing by Gupta in the third event, the shotput, 
placed him within a lotus petal of the lead at the competition's halfway
point. But event number four, the contemplation of unanswerable riddles
known as koans, proved the key to victory for Bikram. The koan had long
been thought the weak point of his spiritual arsenal, but his response to
today's riddle -- "Show me the face you had before you were born" -- was
reportedly "extremely illuminative," according to Commissioner Prabhupada.
While koan answers are kept secret from the public for fear of exposing the 
uninitiated multitudes to the terror of universal truth, insiders claim his 
answer had Prabhupada and the two other judges "highly enlightened."

With the event victory, Bikram built himself a nearly insurmountable lead,
one he sustained through the yak-milk churn and breathing events to come
away with the upset victory.