NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES TO WATCH OUT FOR:

Ellen Degeneres Virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Monica Lewinski Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your
computer.

Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney Virus - Everything in the computer goes goofy.

Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after one byte.

Prozac Virus - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't
care.

Sharon Stone Virus - Makes a huge initial impact, then you
forget it's there.

Tim Allen Virus - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard
drive upon contact.

Woody Allen Virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a
daughter card.

Saddam Hussein Virus - Won't let you into any of your
programs.

Tanya Harding Virus - Turns your .BAT files into lethal
weapons.

George Michael Virus - Runs its course, occasionally
releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

X-files Virus - All your icons start shape-shifting.

Spice Girl Virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty
desktop.

Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it
is stored.

Dr. Kevorkian Virus - Searches your hard drive for old files
and deletes them.

Sonny Bono Virus - Just when you get surfing the web, a
firewall appears out of nowhere.

Martha Stewart Virus - Takes all your files, sorts them by
category and folds them into cute little doilies to be
displayed on your desktop.

Lorena Bobbit Virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch
floppy.

Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own
motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your
friend's hard drive.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - Instantly turns 1K of disk
space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus - Plays a patriotic WAV while it shreds
your files.

Jane Fonda Virus - Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks
to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great
service you are getting.

MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus,"
but instead refers to itself as an "electronic
microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system,
just before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back!

Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into
hundreds of little units, each of which does practically
nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important
part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your
Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1 - The computer locks up, screen
splits erratically with a message appearing on each half
blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2 - Runs every program on the hard
drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to
accomplish anything.

Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.

PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for
money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other
files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

O.J. Virus - It claims that it did not, could not and would
not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that
did it.