TECH SUPPORT TALES: Customer: I'm getting an error message when I boot up. Me: What is the error message? Customer: I didn't write it down. Me: Well can you boot up the machine so we can get that error? Customer: The machine is at home and I'm at work... SLAP! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Customer: I'm getting a "sector not found" error when trying to do a DIR on my cdrom drive. Me: Has the cdrom worked before? Customer: Yes, I was just using it yesterday. Me: Is there a CD in the drive? Customer: Yes. Me: Can you please eject cdrom and make sure it is inserted correctly? Customer: Ok (pause). It's in correctly. Me: What cdrom is it? Customer: Uhmm... Beatles anthology part 1. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Customer: I'm trying to run this program from an OS/2 command prompt and it says this program cannot be run from an OS/2 window. It says the file may not be an OS/2 program. Me: Is it an OS/2 program? Customer: No, it's a DOS program. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Customer: I accidentally turned the machine off while I had a bunch of programs running. Now I'm getting a bunch of CHKDSK errors. Why? Me: Because you turned off the machine with a bunch of programs running? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Customer: I formatted my drive which had Windows 95 on it and installed OS/2. Now I can't figure out how to get back to Windows 95. Me: You formatted the partition that Windows 95 was on? Customer: Yes. Me: SLAP! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Customer: I'm having problems getting this printer to work in Windows. Me: Well first go to an OS/2 prompt so we can edit the config.sys,... Customer: OS/2? I don't have OS/2 installed. Me: Are you having problems in native Windows or Win/OS2? Customer: Windows 3.1. Me: And you have no OS/2 installed at all? Customer: No. Me: I'm afraid you would need to contact Microsoft support for that,... Customer: Microsoft? Why would I need to call them?? Me: Because, Windows is a Microsoft product. Customer: Huh? Windows is an IBM product. It came on this IBM computer! At this point, I had to actually have him restart the system so he could see the word, "Microsoft" on the Windows 3.1 logo before he would believe me!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Then there's the customer that called Compaq Technical Support complaining that their computer's, "coffee cup holder," was not functioning properly, and after a few minutes of going nowhere trying to explain to them that the computer did not include a coffee cup holder, the customer finally explained that the little tray that used to slide out no longer slides out of the mini-tower casing. When the tech support rep asked if this little, "slide-out tray," had any writing on the front, the customer responded, "Yes, it says 'Compact Disc'." DOH!!!!!!!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ One company that sells NMR spectrometers uses SGI INDY computers to run their electronics. They cost as much as $3 million apiece. You would think someone with that kind of money would know how to use a computer. A customer called and said, "I can't get the cursor to go to the edge of the screen." I had to coach her on how to pick up the mouse and move it back so she could move the cursor to the edge. She thought the mouse pad was the only place the mouse could move!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Customer: I just bought this modem and I'm not certain how to use it. Tech: First of all, you have to open your computer and find a slot to install it in... Customer: I need a computer? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A long time ago, about 10 years, when we still had 5 1/4" floppy diskettes, a call came to the help-desk from one of our clients who claimed that the data they introduced in the system was not ok anymore. So the responsible asked to be sent a copy of the data-floppy so we could test with their data. Two days later, a big brown envelope arrived with 3 sheets of paper. Two with a big black square with a white circle in the middle, a third one from the user stating that they did not know wich side of the floppy to copy... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ While working as the sys admin at a NATO computer center I received the following call from a customer at a remote site: Customer: My terminal isnt working. Could you activate it? Me: Sure, what terminal are you at? Customer: The one closest to the bathroom. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Here's the dialog of what is purported to be an actual telephone conversation between a WordPerfect user and a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee: "May I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?" "What's a C-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Following is a transcript sent by an anonymous NEC Technical Support Representative regarding a conversation from early 1998: "Hello, NEC Powermate technical support. May I help you?" "Yeah, my monitor's broken." "What modem monitor do you have?" "A Multisynch 3FG." "Okay. Is the power light on?" "Yes." "Are the contrast and brightness turned up?" "As high as they'll go." "Well, what where you doing when the monitor stopped working?" "I was trying to adjust the color on my windows setup." "Which version of windows are you running?" "Windows 3.1." "Okay. What did you set the colors to?" "Well, everything was too bright, so I set the colors to black." "Which colors?" "All of them." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Hello, NEC technical support." "Hi. I'm having some problems with my modem." "Okay, what can I do for you?" "Can you tell me what these gray wires are?" "Which ones?" "They have big white plugs at the end of them." "Okay, those are your telephone cables." "How do I hook up my modem? Where is it?" "It's in your computer." "I don't see it on the back of my computer." "It's there, at the bottom." "No, no it's not." "Ma'am, it's to the right of where the keyboard plugs in." "OH! You mean the hard disk, not the computer. It's inside there? I thought it was another box." ...pause for a beat to maintain cool. "Right. The hard disk. You see there's two phone plugs there?" "Yes." "Now, you have to run one line from the wall jack to the plug on the computer marked 'line.'" "No, shouldn't I run it to the plug marked 'phone?'" "No, that's where you plug your phone in. You need to run a line from the wall, to the plug marked 'line,' and then connect your phone to the plug marked 'phone.'" "Okay, I'm unplugging the phone from the wall jack now, and then" *click* ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Customer: Yeah, I got your internet setup disks and everything and I installed them and went to run it and it won't go! Your disks are bad and your system sucks!! Me: Ok, let's try this (proceed to make him look at everything in Win95: check his modem settings, network settings, TCP/IP... so on and so forth). Customer: Well why is it not working??? Me: Hmm,... I am at a loss right now... maybe the phone line is out in your area, but... Customer: What's this got to do with my phone lines??? I want on the Internet! Me: [ Lost for words ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ While I was working as a repair technician for a small computer store, a lady called me in tears. "My entire thesis is on this one floppy and (sniff) I had a problem with it and I sent it to a friend of mine in Milwaukee with a note on it and now it won't work and he just laughed at me when I called him and ..." "It's OK", I assured her soothingly. "Do you have the floppy with you?" "Yes", she blubbered. "Could you bring it in?" I asked. "I could maybe run a utility on it to recover some of your data." She assured me that she could, and was at the repair shop within 15 minutes. As she handed me the 5 1/4" floppy I could see why she'd had a problem. Remember that note she wrote to the friend? She had stapled it right to the disk, right through the working part! Incidentally, Norton Disk Doctor was able to recover her entire thesis except for about half a page.
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