TECH SUPPORT FUNNIES:

The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic
bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5 1/4")
diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose
the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then
rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with
photocopies of the diskettes.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on,
and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to
close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap & water & soaking
the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally .

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer" . The
user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but
his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
happened". The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer
wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there
for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened
when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is
broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that
fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's
attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a
bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a
promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a
trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything
about a promotion. It just has '4x' on it." At this point the Tech Rep. had
to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup
holder, and snapped it off the drive.