RELIGIOUS JOKES


Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor
they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor
leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is
tied to each man's penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy
belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first
candidate...

   Ting-a-ling

"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack
of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal
weakness." The candidate leaves. The dancer continues, dancing around
the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the
last veil drops:

   Ding-a-ling!

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to
withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray
for forgiveness." The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance
around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid
of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.
"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only
you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest".
Now, go and join your weaker brethen in the shower..."

   Ting-a-ling-ling!!!

                        ------oooOOOooo------

A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too 
slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:

Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?" 

Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them 
and figured that was the speed limit."

Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number." 

Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that." 

Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the
nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding 
on to each other too tightly.

Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?" 

Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 101 a few miles ago." 

                        ------oooOOOooo------

Moses, Jesus and another guy are out playing golf.  Moses pulls up to 
the tee and drives a long one.  It lands in the fairway but rolls
directly toward a water hazard.  Quickly Moses raises his club, the 
water parts and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly
toward the same water hazard.  It lands in the exact center of the pond 
and hovers over the water.  Jesus casually walks out onto the pond and 
chips it up and into the hole.

The third guy gets up and randomly whacks the ball.  It flies over a
fence and into oncoming traffic in the street.  It bounces off a truck 
and hits a tree.  From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack 
and rolls into the gutter, down the drainpipe, out onto the fairway and 
right toward the aforementioned pond.  On the way to the pond it hits a 
little stone and bounces out over the water onto a lily pad, where it
rests quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps onto the lily pad 
and snatches the ball in its mouth.  An eagle swoops down, grabs the
frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with 
fright and drops the ball, which bounces right in for a beautiful hole 
in one.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your Dad!" 

                        ------oooOOOooo------

"Noah's Ark Today"

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every 
kind of living thing on the planet.  I am commanding you to build an
Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for 
an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord
saw that there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" 

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were 
big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire 
an engineer to re-draw the plans.

Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire 
sprinkler system.

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building 
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was 
a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S.
Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they 
wouldn't let me catch any owls.  So, no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before 
anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters 
going on the boat, and still no owls.

"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't 
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had 
no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. 

"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood 
plain. I sent them a globe. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming 
I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five 
years," The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. 

"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. 

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."