THE EXPLICIT GLOSSARY OF INTERNET TERMINOLOGY


acceptable use policy (AUP)
     Term meaning the penises or vaginas of public officials
     which may be used under legally sanctioned circumstances.

access control list (ACL)
     A pre-screened database of authorized guests to an on-line
     sex parlor.

accidental activation
     Technical term for anyone who pressed the right button at
     the wrong time.

asynchronous transfer mode
     Technical term for a naughty erotically-inspired spanking.

"active" Web site
     Polite term for an interactive two-party sexual system for
     pruriently prying individuals.

address
     Technical term for anyone who emails you, "Gotcha" and signs :-)

alien technology
     Any illicit applied science (read fun toys) that threatens
     one's sanity or employment status.

anonymous ftp
     Polite term for a stranger who fingers the pubis discretely
     in public.

anonymous mailer
     Generic term for a creative sexually titillating ghost
     writer who composes all the silly maudlin ditties found in
     Valentine's Day cards.

anti-viral software
     Polite term for sanitized slinky sex toys.

ASCII
     Pronounced "askee"; refers to either a sexual offense
     advocate or a "second virginity" public sex education and
     abstinence authority.

auto-dial
     Technical term for a pre-programmed 24-hour, 7-day-a-week
     sex gossip distribution service.

authentication
     What a cybersex match maker does to confirm that the parties
     to an electronic sexual transaction are who they say they are.

back-up
     A rear end connection; a.k.a. croupade.

batch-oriented system
     Controlled entry to a high volume titillating peep show.

baud
     Polite term for someone who lets it all hang out.

Beta bugs
     Technical term for sexually transmitted diseases spread by
     hackers.

bidirectional data synchronization
     The prerequisite for a satisfactory climax.

Boolean search option
     Technical term for an academic investigator of boobs and
     hooters.

BPS
     A sexual satisfaction rating scale measured in bites per
     second (BPS).

binary file
     Polite term for an electrifyingly dirty picture.

bookmark
     Technical term for one who likes to record his unforgettable
     electronic orgasms for posterity.

browser
     Anyone who eyes the opposite sex between the neck and groin.

byte
     Technical term for a diminutive but well placed hickey.

casual modem connection
     A one-night cybersex encounter.

chat mode
     A public display of affection; a.k.a. an on-line sexual
     companion service.

cleanup program
     Polite term for an electronic 'bidet'; an article of
     European bathroom furniture useful for cleaning feet or
     post-coital douching.

click
     Polite term meaning one who reaches orgasm in a nanosecond.

client/server software
     Polite term for a digitally sanctioned lesbian relationship.

commerce server
     A debit card playmate.

communications program
     Technical term for foreplay.

compatibility
     A prerequisite for a user-friendly interactive Tender Loving
     Care (TLC) connection.

configuration
     What allows the hardware of a male to be compatible with the
     software of a female.

connection
     Technical term for an optimal consensual engagement.

connect time
     The variable length of time to required to achieve an
     orgasm.

cooling fan
     Technical term for a low-voltage blow job apparatus.

cumulative throughput
     Technical term for how to measure the best performance in a
     pissing contest.

cut-and-paste
     A special needs digital scrap book for the
     hedonically-challenged.

cryptographic mode
     One who communicates by grunting, squeaking or squealing.

cybernaut
     An erotically-challenged byte expert who holds or eats food
     provocatively.

cyberzeitgeist
     Technical term for a virtual orthodox sex gossip columnist.

cyberspace
     Polite term for the black hole where cybersex therapists
     escape to meditate.

data
     The riotous, revealing and revivifying stuff usually found
     in an adult cybersex playground.

database
     Technical term for a repository of wet dreams.

data corruption
     Technical term for a person who lives with pungent genital
     odor.

data mining
     Technical term for the exploration of hidden sexual
     opportunities which lie just below the surface of any
     electronic business transaction.

desk-top
     Polite term for a clerical sex orgy.

dialog box
     A dildo that talks back.

digital
     Technical term for one who is finger-friendly and uses
     below-the-belt-buckle items.

digital signature
     A secret private sexually-oriented password used to enter
     cybersex dens of inequity.

digital video
     Polite term for one who plays with himself/herself in front
     of the TV.

direct access
     Polite term for a French bra.

directory
     Technical term for a witty and fanciful gourmet guide to
     lovemaking for the nineties showing sexual techniques and
     positions in explicit detail.

discussion group
     Polite term for a cyberspace sex salon run by intellectuals
     with big egos.

domain name
     A cybernaut status symbol whose length varies in proportion
     to the size of his penis.

download
     polite term for the loser of a pissing contest.

drag-and-drop
     Pejorative term meaning a philandering cross-dresser.

e-mail
     Unsolicited erotic messages which appear on your computer
     screen and cannot be erased before your boss sees them.

emoticon
     One who is addicted to using punctuation in order to convey
     erotic experiences.

8-bit sound card
     A device used to transmit erotic sounds which is useless to
     someone who is orally-challenged.

encryption
     The mysterious process that allows one to get lost in a
     sex-on-demand voice mail loop.

ethernet
     A hairspray used to sedate horny nerds.

exit
     A polite sexual convention known as a strategic withdrawal.

FAQ
     A polite British abbreviation for a "fucking asshole and
     quack".

feedback link
     The emergency customer service device that allows the shit
     to hit the proverbial fan.

filter
     Polite term for a knobbed or decorated sheath which is
     neither reliable or leak-proof.

Finger
     A useful natural erotic device for probing erogenous zones
     of all kinds.

flame
     Polite term for a spurned cybersex lover.

Flash ROM technology
     More commonly known as digital sex in a box.

firewall
     One who insists on using flame-retardant condom before
     engaging in cybersex.

Freenet
     Technical term for procreation without sex.

games
     Technical term for any exhilarating sexual psychodrama
     played by adults in a brothel or boudoir.

gigabyte
     A horny musician with a fondness for S&M.

groupware
     Technical term for a coital sharing circle a.k.a. sex
     cooperative.

GUI
     Pronounced "gooey", acronym for one who engages in gratuitous
     udder intercourse.

hacker
     A medical practitioner who performs tummy tucks,
     liposuctions, and nose jobs for a living.

handshake
     A sexual gambit requiring manipulation of erogenous zones
     using very gentle palm and fingertip friction.

hard disk
     An inappropriate phalloquial gender-sensitive term
     meaning a callous cock.

hardware
     Pejorative term for any vagina-specific apparatus required
     for penetration, engulfment or envelopment.

hazard protection
     A penetrating sexual technical term meaning, "No glove, no
     love."

header
     Technical term for anyone who wears an obscene hat to
     disguise an elongated genital.

high-end driver
     Technical term for an aggressive sperm salesman a.k.a. a big
     prick.

high-performance networking
     Polite term for a female leisure-care account executive with
     a 900 number business card.

high-resolution video
     Technical term for the close-up shots of bumpers and
     grinders in a blue movie.

hog call
     Pejorative term for the fetid stench associated with a big
     fart.

Hot link
     A seductive melt down.

Hot page
     A place you wouldn't take your boss or your significant
     other.

hot swappable disk drive
     Technical term for a stolen sexual asset a.k.a. a
     previously-owned dildo.

hypertext
     A manic-depressive cybersex author.

icon
     Polite term for a Hippocratic oaf who gives thoughtless 'no
     sex' instructions to patients especially if his/her own
     sex-life is unimportant.

Information Superhighway
     Technical term for the fastest route to a cybersex shopping
     mall or confessional.

insertion point
     Technical term for a highly sensitive erogenous orifice.

interactive
     Descriptive of a discreet merging of consenting adults
     between the sheets.

intelligent agents
     For-hire cybersex snoopers who pose as researchers.

interface
     Polite term for transactions between digitally-friendly
     strumpets and their johns.

Internaut
     A constipated paramour who is tired of hearing about
     Equality the Frog, Dignity the Snail, Respect the Turtle or
     any other sex puppet surrogates.

Intranet
     A merry band of computer sex voyeurs.

IP address
     Technical term for the critical measurements of an
     interesting prospect.

IRC
     Acronym for an "intimately responsive cherry".

ISDN
     Acronym for the "International Society of Discreet Nooky".

JAVA application
     A wired fellatio and cunnilingus expert.

kill socket
     Pejorative term for an impotence expert.

knowbot
     Pejorative term for any academic with a large ego and a
     short rod who searches for an intelligent and non-lethal
     airhead in a chat room.

legacy database
     Any annotated little black book belonging to a celebrity
     that falls into the wrong hands.

Listserv
     Any tabloid's list-of-who (particularly elected leaders and corporate
     magnates)-has-done-what-to-whom-how-many-times-and-in-what-positions.

LAN
     Acronym for a libidinously accommodating nerd.

lap-top
     A nude dancer who performs sexual contortions on the groin
     of a seated male.

large file transfer
     Technical term for a female with generously-proportioned
     hips and buttocks who desperately tries to fit into a tight
     pair of jeans.

list service
     Descriptive of one who keeps a computer printout of his/her
     sexual partners in his/her wallet.

load
     A little known fact that middle-aged male sperm production
     has deteriorated by up to 50 per cent in the last 10 years
     and testicles are smaller.

manual login
     Technical term for a digitally-induced penetrating boner.

logoff
     Technical term for the limp pecker of a forest harvester.

lost allocation units
     Technical term for a memory loss symptom characterized by
     baby-boomers who have problems with routine tasks such as
     how to apply and remove a condom.

lurker
     Technical term for any individual who is overcome by
     heterosexual desire (a.k.a. Peeping Tom) in an Internet
     discussion group.

macro
     A big wiener.

mail box
     An illicit pick-up.

mail robot
     One who performs random acts of vaginal gratitude.

mailing list
     Polite term for the recipients of a cybersex chain letter.

maintenance problem
     Polite term for one who suffers from incontinence.

Maximizer 3.0
     An X-large phallic extender.

menu
     A selection of sexual fetishes designed to whet the
     appetite.

merge
     Hopefully what happens during a delightfully sumptuous
     coital encounter.

MIME
     Technical term for sexually suggestive reading material
     equipped with user-friendly devices for the hearing
     impaired.

Microsoft
     Polite Chinese translation for an insignificant phallus.

mission-critical
     Technical term for an electronically-induced climax of
     mega proportions.

modem
     One who holds a management position in the pleasure-oriented
     commodity business.

moderated list
     Any little black book that's been endorsed by Tammy Faye
     Baker and the religious right.

moderator
     Technical term for a reformed dominatrix.

monitor
     A touch screen designed to meet the needs of the
     sensually-challenged.

mouse
     An erotic input device designed to stimulate private places.

MUD
     A multiple user device more commonly known as double dildo.

multimedia
     A 3-D high resolution color erotic fantasy with simulated
     sex in stereo designed by a eunuch.

multi-task
     Descriptive of a sex manual written by a systems engineer.

NC
     Abbreviation for a naughty cybernaut.

nerd
     Technical term for any sensually-challenged wizard who tries
     to obtain sexual consent from a person with a multiple
     personality disorder.

Net Briefs
     Polite term for virtual underwear that offers clients
     security in the absence of genital control.

netiquette
     Generic term for a complex set of mating rituals designed to
     encourage safe digital sex.

NetNanny
     A prudish electronic chaperone who sees everything but won't
     give you the key until you're 18.

network
     Polite term for a condom relay race or a
     pin-the-condom-on-the man contest.

networking specialist
     Technical term for a john.

nicknames
     The terms of endearment used with reference to the sexual
     organs of one's partner.

NID
     Abbreviation for the "naughty information detector" inside
     kid's computers.

nanotechnology
     An wired British nanny who provides hours of titillation
     tension for kids who have been deprived of proper potty
     training.

newsreader
     Anyone who prefers vicarious fornication to the real thing.

non-repudiation
     The "yes" chip in a computer that makes it impossible for
     parties in an electronic sexual transaction to deny previous
     commitments or actions.

NT-based workstation
     Acronym for the standard "no-touching" rule observed in a
     work-place cubicle that's designed to discourage intersexual
     collegial communication.

offline
     Polite term for one who has difficulty getting picked-up.

offline reader
     A 1-900 psychic help-line service for those who wish to
     engage in light flirtation or matrimony.

online
     Polite term for one who is hardwired and horny.

online help
     Polite term for a digital sex therapist.

online information service
     Technical term for a computerized safe sex bulletin board
     operated by a group of reformed street-walkers.

password
     The nickname given to your partner's favorite port of
     entry.

peak usage period
     Polite term for any statistically-significant data indicating
     higher condom utilization during nocturnal fornication.

person-to-person medium
     Technical term for a close encounter of another kind.

Plug-n-play
     Polite term for a user-friendly digital playmate.

port
     Technical term for a non-gender specific intake opening.

posting
     Politically-correct term for legalized electronic
     solicitation.

POP
     Acronym for a pretty outrageous pecker.

PPP
     Technical term for a bed-wetting cybernaut.

PRISM system of standards
     An internationally accepted measurement of sexual
     consummation whose abbreviation stands for Performance,
     Resilience, Integration, Security and Manageability.

protocol
     The diplomatic way to obtain a sexual favor.

public key
     Polite term for the latch to a cybersex water closet.

push technology
     Technical term for a user-friendly electronic copulation
     technique.

queued message
     Any pre-recorded indelicate response designed to discourage
     pathetic nuisances.

realtime
     Technical term for anyone who insists on giving you the
     countdown to blast-off.

reference document
     Technical term for an authorized but uneventual sexual
     encounter.

rejected message
     Polite term for a snooty brush off.

remote access
     Technical term meaning a long-distance spousal equivalent.

remote collaboration scenario
     The classified section of an electronic literary forum
     devoted to sexually-active pen pals.

robust structure
     Technical term for a circumcision survivor.

router
     An enabling device more commonly known as a suppository.

sample session
     Technical term for light petting.

screen saver
     Technical term for the naughty pics that keep floating
     across the computer screen when one is not working.

secret key
     What opens a designer chastity belt.

secure server
     Technical term for an escort without bugs.

surfer
     A gigolo with a diploma in water sports.

security issue
     Descriptive of one who is obsessed about contracting a love
     bug.

shared storage
     A mutually-beneficial copulative cybersexual experience
     between two consenting adults who both hold a valid driver's
     license.

shareware
     Technical term for recyclable sex toys such as penis-shaped
     erasers.

shell
     Polite term for any military personnel who are opposed to
     masturbation on political or moral grounds, but who are
     committed to donating their sperm for medical use.

shovelware
     Polite term for adult-only sandbox toys including dolls,
     dongs, extensions, games, strap-ons, vaginas, vibrators,
     pumps, lotions, oils, fetish clothing and leather-ware.

SLIP
     Technical term for a sexual transgression of high magnitude.

Smartmark
     Technical term for anyone who plays S&M games.

smiley
     Polite term for any congenial soul who excels in the
     safe-sex technique of expressing affection for his/her date
     or partner by 'blowing kisses'.

software
     Technical term for pliable slippery sex toys.

spam
     One who engages in sexual arousal without bodily contact by
     bragging about the size of his phallic device.

standard global method
     Commonly known as the Vatican Roulette contraceptive
     technique.

stripped-down PC
     Technical term for a clean-shaven and powdered clitoris.

SuiteSpot
     Polite term for a hot box.

switch technology
     Pejorative term meaning one who engages in bisexual
     activity.

synergism
     Another term for availability and a fast flexible
     connection.

sysop
     One who listens to the confessions of cybersex
     obsessive-compulsives.

systems administrator
     A knowbot who wears black leather, chains and carries a
     whip.

T-1 line
     Offers an expensive, fast, classy high-capacity sex chat
     connection.

TCP/IP
     Technical term for the "gee whiz factor" following a
     satisfying electronic orgasm.

Telnet
     Technical term for any talk show host who espouses the value
     of armpit sex.

Terminal adaptor
     Technical term for an erotically-sensitive nose.

terminal emulation
     Technical term for any Vatican-approved erotic vibrating
     device.

terabyte
     Polite term for a cybersex vampire.

text file
     One who loves to indulge in sexual orgies and then describes
     it to anyone who will listen.

thin client
     Any digitized art masterpiece featuring an anorectic nude
     woman.

thought-provoking forum
     Polite term for a sophist debate on which animal species has
     the longest cock.

thread
     Polite term for a G-string.

Toolbar
     Technical term for a penetration assistance device for the
     sensually-challenged.

Toolbox
     Technical term for an S&M toy chest.

trash compactor
     Polite term for anyone who severs by a less than surgical
     method the private parts of a male sexual offender and then
     tosses it into a recycling apparatus.

Trumpet Winsock
     Technical term for the popular foreskin restoration movement
     invented by Jim Bigelow.

Unix
     An pejorative term of endearment for a mother-fucking fast
     but nutless computer.

unmoderated
     Descriptive of anyone who entertains the legal perils of
     standing too close, hugging and kissing under the mistletoe
     or close dancing.

upload
     Correct term for the winner of a
     blow-up-the-condom-until-it-bursts contest.

URL
     Abbreviation for a "urinating rude lush".

user
     Polite term for the one who keeps the technical writers
     hired by erotic toy and digital sex game manufacturers
     employed.

user feedback
     The repeated muffled cursing sound uttered by a user when
     his favorite erotic toy suddenly expires without warning.

Usenet group
     Technical term for disgruntled owners of dysfunctional sex
     toys who cannot get a refund from the manufacturer.

utility
     Polite term for a bra holster.

uudecode
     Technical term for any uninvited form of endearment or
     unsolicited suggestive look prompted by prolonged exposure
     to underwear advertisements.

uuencode
     Technical term for the joy of un-circumcising.

uninstall
     Polite term for a reverse vasectomy.

V chip
     A pre-programmed vaginal chastity belt device.

virtual reality
     Technical term for any simulated sex which takes place at a
     sperm-egg mixer.

virtual supply chain
     Management term for a cybersex escort service with a
     database of over 1 million subscribers.

virus protection
     Descriptive of one who wears herpes-resistant rubbers.

virus writing club
     Any infectious group of hackers who are devoted to sending
     naughty billets-doux's to unsuspecting admirers.

WAIS
     Acrimonious response to a cybersex come-on meaning, "What an
     indelicate snob".

WAN
     One who specializes in "whacking and ardent necking".

wastebasket
     Technical term for the place one deposits spent condoms.

Web browser
     One who frequents cybersex strip shows and erotic live
     fantasy booths in search of good clean fun.

WebBuddy
     Polite term for an electronic lap dancer who provides
     suggestive looks for free.

Windows
     Popular name for nude Fridays in the corporate world.

wireless partnership
     Technical term for a zip-less liaison popular among
     procreation-without-sex advocates who want to avoid the
     expense and humiliation of dealing with the male-dominated
     medical community.

Wizard
     A simulated sex computer games programmer who specializes in
     lip licking.

wonk
     Anyone who can put five condoms on an unpeeled banana the
     fastest without breaking the banana.

workflow control project collaboration
     Technobabble for a pleasurable activity more commonly known
     as "lovelink".

workstation
     Technical term for one who has been sentenced to solitary
     sexual confinement.

WWW
     Acronym for a wanton wet wench who makes smacking sounds.

X-mailer
     Technical term for a smutty chain letter.

XModem
     Technical term for a politically prudish socio-sexual
     vigilante.

ZModem
     Technical term for an aesthetic appreciator who pulls another's
     underwear up at the waist so it fits snugly between the
     buttocks.