FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE

THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you
cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably
past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when
it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it
starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled
milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.

MAYONNAISE:
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS:
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in
your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by
the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block
radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

LETTUCE:
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.

CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should
be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

WINE:
It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES:
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has
gone bad.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.