How to tell when you're drinking too much:
   
   You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
   
   You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
   
   The job is interfering with your drinking.
   
   Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
   
   Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
   
   The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
   
   You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
   
   24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
   
   Two hands and just one mouth... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
   
   You can focus better with one eye closed.
   
   The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
   
   You fall off the floor...
   
   Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
   
   Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger: screw dinner!
   
   Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
   
   At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
   
   Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
   
   You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell
   asleep clothed -- hmm.
   
   The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
   
   You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and
   [Women or Men].
   
   Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more
   attractive.
   
   Roseanne looks good.
   
   Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
   
   That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
   
   Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
   
   "I'm as jober as a sudge..."
   
   The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
   
   You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.