ASSORTED SILLY STORIES

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying
he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26
million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's
lacking intelligence...

==========================================================

With a Little Help from Our Friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered
that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please
come out and give himself up.

==========================================================

And What Was Plan B?

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw
money from his own bank accounts.

==========================================================

And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day
suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last
week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate
that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student
in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for
giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest
Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy.

==========================================================

Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a
blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in
the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm
system. "This is even worse than last year," said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my
new security system."

==========================================================

The Getaway

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the
counter himself for three hours until police showed up and
grabbed him.

==========================================================

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked
into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his
forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to
help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.
Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a
6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power
drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing
brain.

==========================================================

Have I Got a Deal for You!

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship
badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist
flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the
would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next
vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and
painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis
and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious
canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also
available." Authorities believe that the con men running
this scam made off with over six million dollars...

==========================================================

Did I Say That?!

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"

==========================================================

Ouch, That Smarts!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a
dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his
Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot
down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.
"He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police
spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside
his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in
custody...

==========================================================

Are We Not Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this
her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man
shouted. "This is her husband!"

==========================================================

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying
to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King
used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but
unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

==========================================================

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to
me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm
thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would
I want someone like you?'
 -- Larry Miller

==========================================================

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on
them?"
 -- Marilyn Pittman

==========================================================

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that
someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal
family?"
 -- Robin Williams

==========================================================

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and
her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to
her dad."
 -- Christopher Case

==========================================================

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp."
 -- Bob Ettinger

==========================================================

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They
always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you
go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs
of her."
 -- Ellen DeGeneres

==========================================================

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout.
That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint,
and go to my sister's house and ask her for money."
 -- Kevin Meaney

==========================================================

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede
jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she
sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there
were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too..."
 -- Jake Johansen

==========================================================

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't
either."
 -- Dick Cavett

==========================================================

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Kuwait."
 -- A. Whitney Brown

==========================================================

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't
eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat
pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that
pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
 -- Jon Stewart

==========================================================

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
 -- Paula Poundstone

==========================================================

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What
is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
 -- Warren Hutcherson

==========================================================

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out
to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your
headache."
 -- Jack Mayberry

==========================================================

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?"
 -- John Mendoza

==========================================================

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: Duh."
 -- Conan O'Brien

==========================================================

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were
imaginary and they would only play with each other."
 -- Rita Rudner

==========================================================

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was
getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same
station. I actually bought a congressman!"
 -- Bruce Baum

==========================================================

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species
on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other
thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of
vacuum cleaners."
 -- Jeff Stilson

==========================================================

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I
think that's how dogs spend their lives."
 -- Sue Murphy

==========================================================

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then
it's you."
 -- Rita Mae Brown

==========================================================

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be
thinking up something else."
 -- Lily Tomli

==========================================================

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always
say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On
fire?"
 -- Rita Rudner

==========================================================

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a
pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt
with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your
biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before
you do the wash."
 -- Jerry Seinfeld

==========================================================

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three
out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
 -- David Letterman

==========================================================

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom
and Gomorrah an apology."
 -- Jay Leno

==========================================================

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
 -- Lily Tomlin

==========================================================

Seinfeld: "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred
years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky
for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to
fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle
openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy
in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here!' "

==========================================================

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny
Jamestown woke up early and went to their local church.
Before the service started, the townspeople sat in their
pews and talked quietly when, suddenly, Satan appeared at
the altar!!

Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts
to get away from the Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone was
evacuated from the church except for one man, who sat calmly
in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence. This had Satan a bit
puzzled.

Satan walked up to the man and said, "Hey, don't you know
who I am?"

The man said, "Yep, sure do. You're Beelzebub himself, Lord
of the Underworld, Prince of Darkness and Eternal Agent of
All Things Unholy."

Satan replied, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man said, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, said, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man answered, "Well, I've been married to your sister
for 25 years!"