WORLD CUP 1998 TRAVEL GUIDELINES

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central
Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug
Administration, the Centre for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy
satellites that the French don't know about.  It is intended as a guide for
American travelers only.

General overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the
continent of Europe.  It is an important member of the world community,
though not nearly as important as it thinks.  It is bounded by Germany,
Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence
and with not very good shopping.  France is a very old country with many
treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney.  Among its contributions to
western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent
Mexican food.  One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that
the people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak
English if shouted at.  As in any foreign country, watch your change at all
times.

The People: France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom
drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously
oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line.  The French
people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and
undisciplined; and those are their good points.  Most French citizens are
Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior.  Many
people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common.  Men sometimes
have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out
medals.  American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear
baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety: In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are
advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany.  By tradition,
the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary
shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball
scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much
as before.  A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English
Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the
Government to flee to London.

History: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages.  Other
important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc,
Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years
and is now an airport.

Government: The French form of government is democratic but noisy. 
Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a
run-off.  For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,
departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes,
booths and floor tiles.  Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and
Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose
members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom is to be
trusted, frankly.  Parliament's principal preoccupation is setting off
atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone
complains.  According to the most current State Department intelligence,
the President now is someone named Jacques.  Further information is not
available at this time.

Culture: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not
easy to see why.  All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever
made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. 
And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is
just a slug with a shell on its back.  Croissants, on the other hand, are
excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this
word.  In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at
leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second only to
Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. 
If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike
and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors.  France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade
launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and
cheese.

Public holidays: France has more holidays than any other nation in the
world.  Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints days, 37 National
Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de
Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent
into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is
Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.  Other important holidays
are National Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte Bardot
Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied
landscape, and a temperate climate.  In short, it would be a very nice
country if it weren't inhabited by French people.  The best thing that can
be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A word of warning: The consular services of the United States government
are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American
businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation.  In
the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at
least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours
of 5.15 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official
who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of
qualified dentists or something similarly useless.  Remember, no one
ordered you to go abroad.  Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami
Beach, and you are advised to as well.

Thank you and good luck.